The Monster I've Become
by Ellen-Thalia
Summary: I ran. All I could do was run. I didn't know where I was going but I just had to out run the voices. They were all I could hear. Echoing in my head, screaming that I was a monster. They were right. But I wasn't alone. Why was he following me? I was dangerous! Didn't he see what I'd done? "Swan wait!"


**Tumblr prompt from months ago that I only just got a somewhat original idea for.**

_**CS + nightmares (from anon)**_

_**unbeta'd**_

* * *

><p>"<em>Henry!" I screamed, watching my son's body fly through the air and crash against a tree. "Oh my God, Henry!" I run over, tears streaming down my face as I shake his shoulder, gently at first but then more and more frantic. "Henry! Please! Wake up!" I start to sob. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry."<em>

_I repeat the words over and over again as I cry into his chest. My shoulders shaking as the sobs course through my whole body._

"_Henry please! Come back to me. I love you. Please come back to me!"_

_I feel like I've been collapsed there, clutching my beautiful boy's head to my chest, for hours by the time I hear the footsteps behind me. Soon followed by frightened gasps._

"_What have you done?" I look up to see Regina, her eyes fixed on Henry in horror and heartbreak. "You… You killed my son!" She collapses to her knees and starts sobbing herself and all I can do is shake my head in denial._

"_No," I choke out. "I-I couldn't control it. I didn't mean to." I stuttered out._

_My parents were with her I suddenly realised, Hook and Robin Hood too. Robin fell to his knees to, trying to comfort Regina while staring at me, eyes full of disgust and _fear.

_Mary Margret was holding my baby brother to her chest, as if to protect him from me. He was crying, so loud my ears were ringing, but when my father stepped in front of them all I could here was his words._

"_You killed him." He told me, voice hard, as he drew his sword and pointed it at me. "You're a monster!"_

"_No!"_

_I ran._

_All I could do was run. I didn't know where I was going but I just had to out run their words. They were all I could hear. Echoing in my head._

"You killed him."

"You killed my son!"

"You're a monster!"

"_Swan!" I barely heard him call, but I kept running anyway. Why was he following me? I was dangerous. Didn't he see what I'd done?_

"_Swan wait!"_

_He caught up to me by the sheriff's station, reaching for my arm as I stumbled over the bricks still littering the side walk._

"_Just keep your distance!" I warned, turning to face him but my eyes were fixed on my trembling hands, still burning with magic. Dangerous magic that I _**couldn't control! **_"I don't know if I can control it!"_

_But as I turned away Killian reached out to grab my hand once more._

_The magic burst from my fingertips._

_I knew what was going to happen. The whole scene was so familiar._

_Lights exploded._

_The pole began to fall._

"_Watch out!"_

_I screamed in horror, watching in almost slow motion as the pole fell closer and closer to the pirate._

_But he was so focused on reaching me that he didn't even notice._

_Only this time, David wasn't there to push him out the way._

_Finally the pole connected with Killian's head, with a sickening crunch._

"_NO!" I screamed. He crumpled to the ground and I scrambled over the rubble to get to him._

"_Killian," I sobbed, cradling his face in my hands. There was so much blood pouring from his head._

_The spark that usually danced in those amazing blue eyes was nowhere to be seen._

_He was gone._

_All I could do was scream._

I jolted awake, still screaming, drenched in sweat and tears. My throat was raw but I couldn't stop, even as I registered the arms wrapped tightly around me, holding me against a warm chest.

"Shh, love," he murmured right into my ear, rocking me gently, and lacing his fingers through mine. "You're ok. _I'm_ ok."

I blinked the tears out of my eyes enough to get my bearings. I recognised my room in the loft and managed to stop screaming but the tears just kept coming. Small quiet sobs burning my throat.

Killian turned me in his arms, so I was sat in his lap crying against his chest. He didn't ask what the nightmare was about, he already knew. I'd been having the same horrifying dream ever since he convinced me to come back home. I'd told him every terrifying detail weeks ago and he'd been staying with me ever since. We'd soon fallen in to this depressing routine.

He held me for ages, until the tears finally stopped falling and then he used his stump to tilt my head up so he could gently wipe away them away with his thumb. His smile was sad but also full of love and trust, rather than pity.

"Come on, love," he linked his fingers with mine once more and climbed out of bed, leading my down the hall to Henry's room.

I froze in the doorway, as I did every night, but Killian just pushed the door open and wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me tightly to his chest, and kissed me softly behind the ear.

"Your lad's ok too, love. We're all ok."

I watched the rise and fall of Henry's chest as he slept peacefully. He'd started staying here again once I came back. I didn't want him to at first. I was terrified of hurting him again. It took me days to actually look at him properly, because I was just as terrified that if I looked into his eyes, I'd see fear.

But I never did.

So we stood there in his doorway every night, sometimes for hours, just so I could reassure myself that he was ok. He was _alive_. They both were.

After a while (who knew how long) of the two of us just standing there, Killian kissed behind my ear once more. Somehow he always knew when I was ready.

"The candle love," he prompted softly.

I shifted my gaze to the candle on Henry's nightstand, and then to the preciously little distance between that and my son's head.

But Killian was expecting this, and as soon as I started to tense up, he tightened his embrace a little, and rubbed soft, comforting circles on the back of my hand.

"You know you can control it, Emma. So light the candle."

Slowly, I took a breath and focused on the wick. I thought about how much I loved everyone in this loft. About how I wanted to _protect them_. And how I was determined not the hurt them.

The flame appeared with a soft pop (exactly where it was supposed to be) and I felt Killian's smile against my neck.

I pulled out of his hold and knelt by my son's bed. I gently brushed the hair off of his forehead, careful not to wake him, and pressed a soft kiss to his head.

"I love you Henry," I whispered, before I stood, blew out the candle, and returned to the pirate leaning against the doorframe.

I reached up on my toes to kiss his lips, just as softly, and took his hand in mine to lead him back to bed.


End file.
